found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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