omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
