There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
