Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
