I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
