Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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