i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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