guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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