Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
