Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
