she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
