My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
