so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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