Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
