I need help removing her.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
