I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
