So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
