dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i dont even know how to be here
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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