At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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