During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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