Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
