so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
