If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
