I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
