I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
