Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
