haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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