Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
