It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
