Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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