My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
