Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
