He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
