mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He did a backflip because drugs
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