help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
