If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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