I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
