apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
