cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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