White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
