I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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