I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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