Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
