I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
