Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
