I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
