they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
