You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
