Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
