I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
